When the guilt kicks in...

Mum guilt...

The time has come, I knew it would be here one day but I wasn't quite expecting it to arrive so soon.  My little boy is going to Nursery.

I have had an absolutely incredicle 18 months off of work with my beautiful little Oliver.  We have spent every single day together over the last 16 months since he entered the big wide world, I have loved (mostly) every minute. I think this is partly my problem and why I am so anxious about what is to come.

Before my precious little bundle came along I loved my job, I loved going to work, getting stuff done, the adult conversation and the social side of things that came with it.  Because of this I had every intention of returning to work when my 12 months maternity leave was up.

Before I had a baby I thought going back to work would be easy, I couldn't understand what the big deal was and why my mummy friends were posting statuses or sending me messages about how upset and heartbroken they were, I am ashamed to say it now but I thought they were ridiculous.  Then one day it was my turn.

It is so true what people say, you don't ever fully understand what something is like until you have been in that situation yourself.  This couldn't have been truer than when it came to making my decision to stay on at work or resign and become a full time mummy.  At that point I realised that my friends were not at all ridiculous, they were actually bloody incredible mums and their kids were their world!

Just a brief background, when my son was born I suffered with PND and anxiety, it was an awful time and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.  At my worst I wasn't able to let him out of my sight and even letting people hold him or touch him would send me over the edge, I just wanted to hide away in my house with my baby and my husband and not let anyone else in, ever.  I didn't trust anyone with him, I convinced myself that the only person who could look after him and protect him was me, because of this I have never been able to let anyone look after him for longer than a few hours, in fact the longest we have ever been apart is 5 hours!  This played a huge part in my decision regarding work.

Eventually, after lots of talks with my husband we both agreed it would be ok that I didn't return and that I stayed home to look after Oliver.  I am very lucky that we was able to accommodate this decision and I am so grateful of my hardworking husband for making this possible, I don't always show it but deep down I truly am thankful (If you are reading this then you aren't always the massive arse I tell you that you are, big kiss).

This week though I had a huge reality check.  I looked after my friends beautiful little girl for the day on Wednesday, its the first time Oliver has ever spent a full day with another little one, we do go to baby groups and have playdates but they are just for a few hours here and there.  On Wednesday he had the time of his life, they had so much fun together playing, giggling and causing mischief that it brought on a whole heap of mum guilt and realisation....I was only keeping him home with me and not sending him to nursery because of how it made me feel and my anxieties, I hadn't considered the benefits for my child and how much he would love it, I had been totally selfish and only been thinking of myself.  I don't think I have ever felt as guilty in my life as I do over this.

The next day I took a massively brave step for me, I wrote a post on the local Facebook mummy group and asked for opinions  and recomendations on the Nursery's in the town where we live.  I made a list, checked out their Ofsted Reports online, stalked their Websites and Facebook pages and finally decided on one I thought would give my little man the best start in life he deserves.  I called up and made an appointment to look round before I could change my mind.

The day we was due to look around I felt a mixture of emotions, terrified about letting him out of my site, worried he was too young to leave my side, happy he would be making new friends, excited about all the new things he would be learning and sad at how quickly he had grown up without me realising.

When we got to the nursery we was greeted by lovely and friendly staff, the children were outside in the garden area having a picnic, they all looked so happy.  When we got inside the nursery room we let Oliver get down and have a run around, his little face lit up, he was running around like a crazy loon exploring this new room and all of the toys, he looked ecstatic, I knew there and then I had to do this, not just for him but also for me.

Its going to be the hardest thing in the world being apart from my little sidekick and I can absolutely 100% now empathise with my friends and how they all felt.  I know for a fact that he will be completely fine being away from me, he will be having the best time ever with his new buddies and probably won't even notice I have gone.  I  also know that in time I will be fine as well but I have a feeling it will take a little bit longer for me to adjust than him.  What on earth am I going to do with my time now?

Vx