Being a stay at home mum

When I handed in my notice at work in January and made the decision to become a stay at home mum I had no idea how hard it would be.  Whilst I know how incredibly lucky I am to spend every day with my amazing child, that there are so many people out there who would love to be in my position, I also feel I have lost a part of who I was and I didn't anticipate how much I would change.

I have been a stay at home mummy now for 9 months, including maternity leave this means I have been off of work for a total of 21 months.

I used to love my job, yea ok there were absolutely rubbish days when I never wanted to go back ever again and hated it, but 95% of the time I really enjoyed it.  Having a job made me feel like I had a sense of purpose in a way, I got up each day, went to work, got shit done and came home.  Im not saying that I don't have a sense of purpose being a mummy, I do, but in a totally different way. Maybe its having a job title I miss, or maybe its the fact that when I went to work I actually finished things I started and got praised for doing a good job? Being at home all day I am lucky to complete one task and I certainly don't get any praise for it.

At work I was in an office filled with people who always wanted to chat, gossip and socialise, at home I am with my toddler that can't yet put a sentence together and favourite thing to shout at me is "no", "mummy" and "poo poo" over and over again.  I do see friends in the week but our meet ups are full of interrupted conversations, chases across parks to retrieve runaway children and baby talk.  In the end we usually give up after a few hours, admit defeat and go home with our tantruming toddlers promising to meet up the week after.

It can be so lonely being at home all day, I sometimes find myself craving the company of my non mummy friends who have actual real adventures and are full of exciting stories of their latest drunken antics and know all the gossip outside of my being a mum bubble.  I scroll through my Facebook newsfeed sometimes and see them checking in at amazing places all over the world, jumping out of planes, swimming with sharks and probably hanging out with J Lo and I start wondering what they actually think of me? These days I check in at soft play centres and all of the pictures I upload are of my child.  Do they think I am now just some big baby bore? Do they like me less because I am not in the shark tank with them? What must they think of me because I haven't been abroad this year when they have been 3 times.  Ridiculous isn't it? I never used to care what people thought of me, I was confident enough to brush off peoples opinions but now I worry about how people view me and my life.  The truth is my friends are still my friends, no matter what we are still buddies, just because we don't see each other weekly now doesn't mean things have changed, they like hearing all about my latest child update just as much as I love hearing their stories (so they tell me haha).

After a day at home with my little one, I find that when my husband gets home I am short with him, snappy and can sometimes just be plain rude.  Its not because I don't love him, its just sometimes I am so bloody exhausted from a day of toddler taming that I can't actually be bothered to talk to any one, all I want to do is go and sit in silence and switch my brain off.  It genuinely makes me feel awful that as soon as he asks how my day was a launch into a full on rant about how shit my day has been, how my day has been so much harder than his because he got a lunch break and I didn't and loads of other pointless crap.  All of this makes me feel awful, I go to bed most nights thinking about how much of a shit wife I have been lately and that I will try harder tomorrow, but tomorrow never comes.  This is one of the things that makes me most upset, that I cant seem to find the right balance and time for both of the men in my life.  Spending time with my husband now has to be booked in and doesn't happen very often, I feel like a bad person for splitting my attention between two people and then for thinking that I need to split it.  I never give my husband enough credit, the truth is he works his arse off every day too, he works hard to provide for his wife and son and give us a comfortable life to enable me to be at home, I will start to be more grateful.

I also can't seem the shake the feeling that I am somehow skiving, that like everyone else I know I should be out there working for a living and bringing in the pennies.  I have had a few comments from friends along these lines who have shamed me for being a stay at home mum, made me feel like I am a lazy layabout who does nothing.  The truth is I'm not skiving at all, when I am home I really do work so hard.  My days start as soon as my little one wakes up and they end long after he goes to sleep, I think I must be pulling 16 hour working days, no union would ever allow that if I was being paid!  My job is payless, thankless and has no limits.  Not only am I a mummy, I am also a cook, clean, nurse, maid, washer, dryer, storyteller, toy player, comforter and a million other things.  I very rarely get any recognition for all of the things I do, its just expected.  I often am made to feel ashamed for being a "non worker".  A lot of people think all I do is sit in parks or spend all day in Costa sipping my Skinny Mocha Latte, truth is I think I have been to costa about 6 times in 32 years, if I tried to make my child sit in his pram whilst I drank overpriced warm drinks he would go bat shit crazy and scream the place down.  Yes I do go to the park everyday but its either that or sit in my lounge and watch him trash the place.  Whether you go to work or you are a stay at home mum you still have a job to do.

As hard as it is, no matter how much I miss my adventures, socialising, money and me time, there is one little person that relies on me to keep him safe warm and fed, I love this little person with all my heart to the moon and back.  One day he won't be a little person anymore, he will be out there in the big wide world as a grown up and he wont need me like he needs me now.  When that time comes I will look back on our special moments we are having now (the good and the bad) and I will know I made the best decision for him, no matter how hard it was.

Vx