Being a stay at home mum

When I handed in my notice at work in January and made the decision to become a stay at home mum I had no idea how hard it would be.  Whilst I know how incredibly lucky I am to spend every day with my amazing child, that there are so many people out there who would love to be in my position, I also feel I have lost a part of who I was and I didn't anticipate how much I would change.

I have been a stay at home mummy now for 9 months, including maternity leave this means I have been off of work for a total of 21 months.

I used to love my job, yea ok there were absolutely rubbish days when I never wanted to go back ever again and hated it, but 95% of the time I really enjoyed it.  Having a job made me feel like I had a sense of purpose in a way, I got up each day, went to work, got shit done and came home.  Im not saying that I don't have a sense of purpose being a mummy, I do, but in a totally different way. Maybe its having a job title I miss, or maybe its the fact that when I went to work I actually finished things I started and got praised for doing a good job? Being at home all day I am lucky to complete one task and I certainly don't get any praise for it.

At work I was in an office filled with people who always wanted to chat, gossip and socialise, at home I am with my toddler that can't yet put a sentence together and favourite thing to shout at me is "no", "mummy" and "poo poo" over and over again.  I do see friends in the week but our meet ups are full of interrupted conversations, chases across parks to retrieve runaway children and baby talk.  In the end we usually give up after a few hours, admit defeat and go home with our tantruming toddlers promising to meet up the week after.

It can be so lonely being at home all day, I sometimes find myself craving the company of my non mummy friends who have actual real adventures and are full of exciting stories of their latest drunken antics and know all the gossip outside of my being a mum bubble.  I scroll through my Facebook newsfeed sometimes and see them checking in at amazing places all over the world, jumping out of planes, swimming with sharks and probably hanging out with J Lo and I start wondering what they actually think of me? These days I check in at soft play centres and all of the pictures I upload are of my child.  Do they think I am now just some big baby bore? Do they like me less because I am not in the shark tank with them? What must they think of me because I haven't been abroad this year when they have been 3 times.  Ridiculous isn't it? I never used to care what people thought of me, I was confident enough to brush off peoples opinions but now I worry about how people view me and my life.  The truth is my friends are still my friends, no matter what we are still buddies, just because we don't see each other weekly now doesn't mean things have changed, they like hearing all about my latest child update just as much as I love hearing their stories (so they tell me haha).

After a day at home with my little one, I find that when my husband gets home I am short with him, snappy and can sometimes just be plain rude.  Its not because I don't love him, its just sometimes I am so bloody exhausted from a day of toddler taming that I can't actually be bothered to talk to any one, all I want to do is go and sit in silence and switch my brain off.  It genuinely makes me feel awful that as soon as he asks how my day was a launch into a full on rant about how shit my day has been, how my day has been so much harder than his because he got a lunch break and I didn't and loads of other pointless crap.  All of this makes me feel awful, I go to bed most nights thinking about how much of a shit wife I have been lately and that I will try harder tomorrow, but tomorrow never comes.  This is one of the things that makes me most upset, that I cant seem to find the right balance and time for both of the men in my life.  Spending time with my husband now has to be booked in and doesn't happen very often, I feel like a bad person for splitting my attention between two people and then for thinking that I need to split it.  I never give my husband enough credit, the truth is he works his arse off every day too, he works hard to provide for his wife and son and give us a comfortable life to enable me to be at home, I will start to be more grateful.

I also can't seem the shake the feeling that I am somehow skiving, that like everyone else I know I should be out there working for a living and bringing in the pennies.  I have had a few comments from friends along these lines who have shamed me for being a stay at home mum, made me feel like I am a lazy layabout who does nothing.  The truth is I'm not skiving at all, when I am home I really do work so hard.  My days start as soon as my little one wakes up and they end long after he goes to sleep, I think I must be pulling 16 hour working days, no union would ever allow that if I was being paid!  My job is payless, thankless and has no limits.  Not only am I a mummy, I am also a cook, clean, nurse, maid, washer, dryer, storyteller, toy player, comforter and a million other things.  I very rarely get any recognition for all of the things I do, its just expected.  I often am made to feel ashamed for being a "non worker".  A lot of people think all I do is sit in parks or spend all day in Costa sipping my Skinny Mocha Latte, truth is I think I have been to costa about 6 times in 32 years, if I tried to make my child sit in his pram whilst I drank overpriced warm drinks he would go bat shit crazy and scream the place down.  Yes I do go to the park everyday but its either that or sit in my lounge and watch him trash the place.  Whether you go to work or you are a stay at home mum you still have a job to do.

As hard as it is, no matter how much I miss my adventures, socialising, money and me time, there is one little person that relies on me to keep him safe warm and fed, I love this little person with all my heart to the moon and back.  One day he won't be a little person anymore, he will be out there in the big wide world as a grown up and he wont need me like he needs me now.  When that time comes I will look back on our special moments we are having now (the good and the bad) and I will know I made the best decision for him, no matter how hard it was.

Vx

Getting ready for a night out...

Saturday night I had my quarterly night off from parenting.  I actually ventured out with grown ups, I had full uninterrupted conversations, a meal I didn't have to share, listened to music that wasn't the bing bong song and drank copious amounts of alcohol, it was great! It got me thinking though, about how much my life has changed over the last few years.

Before my Little O came along, Saturday nights out were the highlight of my week! I loved nothing more than a night out with my friends, shopping for outfits, the getting ready and pampering, the pre drinking and then the actual night out itself.  It was always great fun and some of my favourite memories were created on these occasions.

Pre baby, Saturday night out preparations would always begin on the Friday Night.  I used to spend ages exfoliating, moisturising my dry bits and trying to apply fake tan as evenly as I could.  I would then have to intensive condition my hair overnight and I would spend bloody ages picking out a nail varnish colour so I could give myself a manicure and pedicure.  I would then wake up around 9-10am and laze around the house for a bit before having a shower, leisurely getting ready for a shopping trip into Cambridge to pick up last minute outfit accessories, or maybe I would even buy a whole brand new outfit as heaven forbid I wear the same thing out twice! I would then come home and start the getting ready process which included spending about an hour applying makeup, two hours styling my hair, a million outfit changes, re doing my makeup as it didn't match my latest outfit change and about 500,000 group whatsapp messages checking what the other girls were wearing, skirt or jeans? heels or flats? hair up or hair down?...these are super important and mandatory facts you need to know when preparing for a big event.  When we were finally all ready we would all agree on a rendezvous point (usually my house as my bedroom was in the loft, it meant my parents could hear less of what was going on and we had more privacy), everyone would turn up with various forms of alcohol, usually whatever was cheapest or on offer in Spar, Frosty Jacks Cider, 20/20 and Blue WKDs were amongst our favs! We would bung on our fav soundtrack "Pure Garage" and get off our tits before stumbling down two flights of stairs, straight passed my parents giving them our best we are sober goodbye chats and into a taxi headed to town! Once in town we would head straight to the bar and know everyone there, we would order in our rounds and spend the night dancing in 5 inch heels and laughing until 2am kick out time and then head to the kebab shop before somehow ending up home where I would sleep off our hangover only rising around 2pm the next day because my mum was calling up the stairs that my roast dinner was ready!

My Saturday night post baby preparations last week were a bit different.  They did start on the Friday night about 10.30pm when I decided it would be a good idea to fake tan, I couldn't find any exfoliator which didn't surprise me as I haven't used the stuff in over two years, and I definitely didn't have any moisturiser for my dry bits either so I slapped it on and hoped for the best.  Saturday morning I was woken at 5.30am by the toddler and managed to squeeze in a quick shower to try and wash off the orange looking tan and try and undo the damage done to my knees, elbows and armpits before heading out for a day of looking round B&Q and Homebase.  When we got home I made dinner for the husband and toddler who all of a sudden decided he wasn't very well (why do they always do that on the nights you are going out?), put a load of washing on so that it was ready to be hung out Sunday morning, baby wiped down the kitchen sides and had then about 20 minutes to get ready.  I spent a few minutes looking for some getting ready music on Spotify but gave up when I hadn't heard any of the TOP 20 songs, how out of touch am I?  In the remaining 17 minutes I managed to shower, shave the bits of my legs I couldn't get away with being hairy, pick a dress out of my wardobe that was about 5 years old, get my makeup on and attempt a hair style.  There was no pre drinking and on the way out my friend dropped off some Calpol for the toddler who was still poorly and moaning for mummy as I couldn't find my stash.  Once we got to the bar I had two glasses of Prosecco and was drunk! I then went on to have a few more glasses and a couple of cocktails and found myself a bit shit faced.  A trip to the toilet found me dancing with a pair of plastic legs and somehow managing to knock a painting off the wall, all before 9.30pm, old me would still be pre drinking at that time.  An hour later at 10.30pm I was absolutely knackered and dreaming of my bed.  I had a taxi booked for 11.30pm so was desperately trying to make it through another hour of dancing, my two inch mum heels were hurting my feet so they had come off and I was bare footed.  I lasted another 40 minutes before leaving for the kebab shop, buying a large portion of cheesy chips and going home.  When I got home I dumped the uneaten chips in the kitchen and got into bed, within an hour I was up and chundering, swearing to myself that I would never drink again.  Sunday morning I was woken at 6am by the sleep theif.  In a hungover state I then had to deal with the toddler and make everyone else breakfast, lunch and dinner.

In the space of a few years my Saturday nights have massively changed but do you know what? I couldn't be happier than I am now, to me, my perfect Saturday nights now are sitting in my PJs with my little man and big man and watching TV and eating crap!  I am glad my nights out are few and far between, I couldn't handle that every week anymore.  As much as I love a night off, I love my family more.

Vx

                

 

My Bedroom Inspiration

We have been moved into our new house a little over a week and I am already planning how I would like to decorate our bedroom.

I am a big lover of all things shabby chic, I love pastel colours, twinkly lights and everything girly.  My husband loves Black gloss, chrome, Optimus Prime and anything manly.  We are never going to agree on how we want to decorate the bedroom so he may as well just cut his losses early and just realise I will be getting my own way.  Happy wife, happy life after all.  Right?

I have decided against wallpaper in our bedroom, instead I am going to paint one feature wall and just get a couple of different duvet covers that match the paint, that way its a lot easier to mix it up when you fancy a change as you don't have to worry about duvet patterns clashing with wallpaper patterns. I made this mistake in our old house and it drove me crazy.

At the moment I am obsessed with the colour grey so I am planning on painting the feature wall a pale grey colour, I am going to accessorise with pale pink, golds and minty colours.  I love these colour combinations, these colours are my inspiration so far.

   

      

I really like this duvet cover as well, its from Urban Outfitters and has just gone into the sale, everyone knows if you buy something in a sale it doesn't actually count as a proper purchase so that gives me a free pass to buy another one as well, win!

These are a couple of inspiration pictures I have pinned...

           

 

Anyone that knows me is very aware that I take at least 500 million photos a day of my little love, with this in mind I think I might also need some sort of photo wall to display some of my favourite snaps.  I love these ideas as they are a little bit different.

               

 

Thats as far as my planning has got so far, let me know what you think.

Vx