Being a stay at home mum

When I handed in my notice at work in January and made the decision to become a stay at home mum I had no idea how hard it would be.  Whilst I know how incredibly lucky I am to spend every day with my amazing child, that there are so many people out there who would love to be in my position, I also feel I have lost a part of who I was and I didn't anticipate how much I would change.

I have been a stay at home mummy now for 9 months, including maternity leave this means I have been off of work for a total of 21 months.

I used to love my job, yea ok there were absolutely rubbish days when I never wanted to go back ever again and hated it, but 95% of the time I really enjoyed it.  Having a job made me feel like I had a sense of purpose in a way, I got up each day, went to work, got shit done and came home.  Im not saying that I don't have a sense of purpose being a mummy, I do, but in a totally different way. Maybe its having a job title I miss, or maybe its the fact that when I went to work I actually finished things I started and got praised for doing a good job? Being at home all day I am lucky to complete one task and I certainly don't get any praise for it.

At work I was in an office filled with people who always wanted to chat, gossip and socialise, at home I am with my toddler that can't yet put a sentence together and favourite thing to shout at me is "no", "mummy" and "poo poo" over and over again.  I do see friends in the week but our meet ups are full of interrupted conversations, chases across parks to retrieve runaway children and baby talk.  In the end we usually give up after a few hours, admit defeat and go home with our tantruming toddlers promising to meet up the week after.

It can be so lonely being at home all day, I sometimes find myself craving the company of my non mummy friends who have actual real adventures and are full of exciting stories of their latest drunken antics and know all the gossip outside of my being a mum bubble.  I scroll through my Facebook newsfeed sometimes and see them checking in at amazing places all over the world, jumping out of planes, swimming with sharks and probably hanging out with J Lo and I start wondering what they actually think of me? These days I check in at soft play centres and all of the pictures I upload are of my child.  Do they think I am now just some big baby bore? Do they like me less because I am not in the shark tank with them? What must they think of me because I haven't been abroad this year when they have been 3 times.  Ridiculous isn't it? I never used to care what people thought of me, I was confident enough to brush off peoples opinions but now I worry about how people view me and my life.  The truth is my friends are still my friends, no matter what we are still buddies, just because we don't see each other weekly now doesn't mean things have changed, they like hearing all about my latest child update just as much as I love hearing their stories (so they tell me haha).

After a day at home with my little one, I find that when my husband gets home I am short with him, snappy and can sometimes just be plain rude.  Its not because I don't love him, its just sometimes I am so bloody exhausted from a day of toddler taming that I can't actually be bothered to talk to any one, all I want to do is go and sit in silence and switch my brain off.  It genuinely makes me feel awful that as soon as he asks how my day was a launch into a full on rant about how shit my day has been, how my day has been so much harder than his because he got a lunch break and I didn't and loads of other pointless crap.  All of this makes me feel awful, I go to bed most nights thinking about how much of a shit wife I have been lately and that I will try harder tomorrow, but tomorrow never comes.  This is one of the things that makes me most upset, that I cant seem to find the right balance and time for both of the men in my life.  Spending time with my husband now has to be booked in and doesn't happen very often, I feel like a bad person for splitting my attention between two people and then for thinking that I need to split it.  I never give my husband enough credit, the truth is he works his arse off every day too, he works hard to provide for his wife and son and give us a comfortable life to enable me to be at home, I will start to be more grateful.

I also can't seem the shake the feeling that I am somehow skiving, that like everyone else I know I should be out there working for a living and bringing in the pennies.  I have had a few comments from friends along these lines who have shamed me for being a stay at home mum, made me feel like I am a lazy layabout who does nothing.  The truth is I'm not skiving at all, when I am home I really do work so hard.  My days start as soon as my little one wakes up and they end long after he goes to sleep, I think I must be pulling 16 hour working days, no union would ever allow that if I was being paid!  My job is payless, thankless and has no limits.  Not only am I a mummy, I am also a cook, clean, nurse, maid, washer, dryer, storyteller, toy player, comforter and a million other things.  I very rarely get any recognition for all of the things I do, its just expected.  I often am made to feel ashamed for being a "non worker".  A lot of people think all I do is sit in parks or spend all day in Costa sipping my Skinny Mocha Latte, truth is I think I have been to costa about 6 times in 32 years, if I tried to make my child sit in his pram whilst I drank overpriced warm drinks he would go bat shit crazy and scream the place down.  Yes I do go to the park everyday but its either that or sit in my lounge and watch him trash the place.  Whether you go to work or you are a stay at home mum you still have a job to do.

As hard as it is, no matter how much I miss my adventures, socialising, money and me time, there is one little person that relies on me to keep him safe warm and fed, I love this little person with all my heart to the moon and back.  One day he won't be a little person anymore, he will be out there in the big wide world as a grown up and he wont need me like he needs me now.  When that time comes I will look back on our special moments we are having now (the good and the bad) and I will know I made the best decision for him, no matter how hard it was.

Vx

Getting ready for a night out...

Saturday night I had my quarterly night off from parenting.  I actually ventured out with grown ups, I had full uninterrupted conversations, a meal I didn't have to share, listened to music that wasn't the bing bong song and drank copious amounts of alcohol, it was great! It got me thinking though, about how much my life has changed over the last few years.

Before my Little O came along, Saturday nights out were the highlight of my week! I loved nothing more than a night out with my friends, shopping for outfits, the getting ready and pampering, the pre drinking and then the actual night out itself.  It was always great fun and some of my favourite memories were created on these occasions.

Pre baby, Saturday night out preparations would always begin on the Friday Night.  I used to spend ages exfoliating, moisturising my dry bits and trying to apply fake tan as evenly as I could.  I would then have to intensive condition my hair overnight and I would spend bloody ages picking out a nail varnish colour so I could give myself a manicure and pedicure.  I would then wake up around 9-10am and laze around the house for a bit before having a shower, leisurely getting ready for a shopping trip into Cambridge to pick up last minute outfit accessories, or maybe I would even buy a whole brand new outfit as heaven forbid I wear the same thing out twice! I would then come home and start the getting ready process which included spending about an hour applying makeup, two hours styling my hair, a million outfit changes, re doing my makeup as it didn't match my latest outfit change and about 500,000 group whatsapp messages checking what the other girls were wearing, skirt or jeans? heels or flats? hair up or hair down?...these are super important and mandatory facts you need to know when preparing for a big event.  When we were finally all ready we would all agree on a rendezvous point (usually my house as my bedroom was in the loft, it meant my parents could hear less of what was going on and we had more privacy), everyone would turn up with various forms of alcohol, usually whatever was cheapest or on offer in Spar, Frosty Jacks Cider, 20/20 and Blue WKDs were amongst our favs! We would bung on our fav soundtrack "Pure Garage" and get off our tits before stumbling down two flights of stairs, straight passed my parents giving them our best we are sober goodbye chats and into a taxi headed to town! Once in town we would head straight to the bar and know everyone there, we would order in our rounds and spend the night dancing in 5 inch heels and laughing until 2am kick out time and then head to the kebab shop before somehow ending up home where I would sleep off our hangover only rising around 2pm the next day because my mum was calling up the stairs that my roast dinner was ready!

My Saturday night post baby preparations last week were a bit different.  They did start on the Friday night about 10.30pm when I decided it would be a good idea to fake tan, I couldn't find any exfoliator which didn't surprise me as I haven't used the stuff in over two years, and I definitely didn't have any moisturiser for my dry bits either so I slapped it on and hoped for the best.  Saturday morning I was woken at 5.30am by the toddler and managed to squeeze in a quick shower to try and wash off the orange looking tan and try and undo the damage done to my knees, elbows and armpits before heading out for a day of looking round B&Q and Homebase.  When we got home I made dinner for the husband and toddler who all of a sudden decided he wasn't very well (why do they always do that on the nights you are going out?), put a load of washing on so that it was ready to be hung out Sunday morning, baby wiped down the kitchen sides and had then about 20 minutes to get ready.  I spent a few minutes looking for some getting ready music on Spotify but gave up when I hadn't heard any of the TOP 20 songs, how out of touch am I?  In the remaining 17 minutes I managed to shower, shave the bits of my legs I couldn't get away with being hairy, pick a dress out of my wardobe that was about 5 years old, get my makeup on and attempt a hair style.  There was no pre drinking and on the way out my friend dropped off some Calpol for the toddler who was still poorly and moaning for mummy as I couldn't find my stash.  Once we got to the bar I had two glasses of Prosecco and was drunk! I then went on to have a few more glasses and a couple of cocktails and found myself a bit shit faced.  A trip to the toilet found me dancing with a pair of plastic legs and somehow managing to knock a painting off the wall, all before 9.30pm, old me would still be pre drinking at that time.  An hour later at 10.30pm I was absolutely knackered and dreaming of my bed.  I had a taxi booked for 11.30pm so was desperately trying to make it through another hour of dancing, my two inch mum heels were hurting my feet so they had come off and I was bare footed.  I lasted another 40 minutes before leaving for the kebab shop, buying a large portion of cheesy chips and going home.  When I got home I dumped the uneaten chips in the kitchen and got into bed, within an hour I was up and chundering, swearing to myself that I would never drink again.  Sunday morning I was woken at 6am by the sleep theif.  In a hungover state I then had to deal with the toddler and make everyone else breakfast, lunch and dinner.

In the space of a few years my Saturday nights have massively changed but do you know what? I couldn't be happier than I am now, to me, my perfect Saturday nights now are sitting in my PJs with my little man and big man and watching TV and eating crap!  I am glad my nights out are few and far between, I couldn't handle that every week anymore.  As much as I love a night off, I love my family more.

Vx

                

 

My Bedroom Inspiration

We have been moved into our new house a little over a week and I am already planning how I would like to decorate our bedroom.

I am a big lover of all things shabby chic, I love pastel colours, twinkly lights and everything girly.  My husband loves Black gloss, chrome, Optimus Prime and anything manly.  We are never going to agree on how we want to decorate the bedroom so he may as well just cut his losses early and just realise I will be getting my own way.  Happy wife, happy life after all.  Right?

I have decided against wallpaper in our bedroom, instead I am going to paint one feature wall and just get a couple of different duvet covers that match the paint, that way its a lot easier to mix it up when you fancy a change as you don't have to worry about duvet patterns clashing with wallpaper patterns. I made this mistake in our old house and it drove me crazy.

At the moment I am obsessed with the colour grey so I am planning on painting the feature wall a pale grey colour, I am going to accessorise with pale pink, golds and minty colours.  I love these colour combinations, these colours are my inspiration so far.

   

      

I really like this duvet cover as well, its from Urban Outfitters and has just gone into the sale, everyone knows if you buy something in a sale it doesn't actually count as a proper purchase so that gives me a free pass to buy another one as well, win!

These are a couple of inspiration pictures I have pinned...

           

 

Anyone that knows me is very aware that I take at least 500 million photos a day of my little love, with this in mind I think I might also need some sort of photo wall to display some of my favourite snaps.  I love these ideas as they are a little bit different.

               

 

Thats as far as my planning has got so far, let me know what you think.

Vx

Leaving L Street

Tonight is our last night in our little house.  I feel so emotional tonight, I still can't quite believe that tomorrow we are moving.  We have only lived here for 2.5 years but the time we have had here has been so special.  I have formed such an attachment to this place and I am so sad to be leaving it behind.

When we moved here we took a massive gamble, we didn't know anyone here and the house was an absolute dump, my husband loved it though and wanted a project house, I went along with it because I fell in love with the open fireplaces and the character it held.  I am so glad we chose this house as we have completely turned it around and made it into our own little nest.  Everything in our house we have built from scratch and designed ourselves, it took us nearly a year to renovate the whole place and every part of it represents our characters and personalities.  Our blood, sweat and tears have gone into making this house a home.  I have also met some lovely people here and have a whole new group of friends that I am lucky to have in my life, if it wasn't for taking the gamble and moving to a totally new town id have never of met them.

When we moved in here there was just Hubby, me and the two cats, after 4 months of living here we found out I was pregnant, I still remember being so shocked that I nearly passed out in the bathroom and being so in denial that I took another 14 tests just to make sure.  In that same bathroom my labour started at 11pm the day before my due date.  I remember pacing around the living room in agony for 56 hours because my labour wouldn't progress enough for the hospital to let me stay in, and my super sympathetic husband watching about 12 bloody Wrestle Manias in a row because I was in too much pain to make him turn it off.

Our little house is where we brought our son home to, I can remember walking in with him in his car seat and putting him down in front of us and looking at each other saying "What are we meant to do now?".  Its where we have watched him grow from a tiny little newborn into an absolute crazy loon of a toddler.  He has spent the first 16 months of his life here, to him this is his safe haven and where he knows as home.  He has had all of his firsts here, smiles, giggles, rolling, crawling, walking, talking.  Its where we have looked after him, played with him and shaped him into the incredible little love that he is.

So many of my most precious memories are all tied up in these four walls.  I know that memories can be taken with you wherever you go and that no matter what you will always have them.  I also know that we will now be starting an exciting new chapter in project house number 2 and that its the start of exciting new adventures and memory making, but I still feel like I am leaving a huge part of what has made us a family behind and I am so sad.  I love this house and what it has helped us to become.

Im off for another cry!

Vx

Rainy Day Messy Play

What are you supposed to do on a rainy day with a tiny tornado of a son that wants constant entertaining and has an attention span that lasts all of two minutes? This is a question I was asking myself last week.  Whilst he napped I went all Pinterest Paula and started searching for ideas for fun things we could do indoors.

I came across loads of colourful and easy looking tutorials for homemade Play Doh so I thought I would give it a go, whats the worst that could happen?

The Play Doh itself was really easy to make, all I did was mix 4 cups of flour with 1 1/2 cups of salt, added in 1 cup of water, 3-4 table spoons of oil and then a few drops of food colouring.  I only had three different colours so on the last batch I added in glittery stars to jazz it up a bit.  It only took about 10 minutes to make, it was incredibly messy though and took a lot longer to clean up.

I put the Play Doh on a tray and added in some cookie cutters and wooden spoons, I set up a safe Play Doh playing zone on the floor of my living room and was feeling pretty smug with myself that in the small time frame that is nap time I had come up with a genius way to keep him entertained, something that I had made myself and hadn't cost a thing.  I eagerly awaited nap time to end so I could show him this new exciting wonderment to play with.

Play Doh playing started off so well, he was happily squashing his hands and feet into it and hitting it with the spoons.  This lasted all of about four minutes, after that it was lobbed across the room, rubbed into the cats fur, eaten and smeared across the floor, the food colouring had even stained his hands.  This wasn't the perfect Play Doh playing scenario I had been conjuring up in my head!

After around 8 minutes of Play Doh playing I removed this item and declared it contraband! I stuck him in the bath and cleaned him up and sat on the floor watching him play for ages happily, why didn't I just put him in the bath originally, then I wouldn't have had a sink full of multi coloured bowls and floury clumps.

Moral of the story, the easy option is always the best option and don't be a Pinterest Paula!

Silver Cross Customer Service

I just wanted to write a quick post about Silver Cross and how massively impressed I am with their Customer Service.

I am the proud owner of a Silver Cross Pioneer.  I fell in love with it as soon as a tested it out when I was pregnant, to me there was no other pram that compared to it and I knew I had to have it.  Thank god for the bank of mum and dad!

I have had my pram now for about 18 months, I use it every single day and have done ever since my little man was born.  As I don't drive I walk everywhere and my pram is a life saver, its the only set of wheels I will ever own so I defiantly need a sturdy and reliable set!

Recently the brake stopped working, every time I released the brake it kept locking the back wheels so they wouldn't turn and just jammed up making it impossible to push.  I tweeted the Silver Cross team who promptly replied within the hour asking me to call the Customer Service number.

When I called the number I explained what had happened with the brake, I told them I had no proof of purchase as it was 18 months ago and said I was happy to pay to get it fixed.  I was really surprised to hear that actually Silver Cross has a two year warranty and that I wouldn't have to pay a thing, amazing!  

The lovely and helpful lady I spoke to on the phone took all of my details and said she would have the courier pick it up, that they would supply a box to put it in and help me pack it up.  She explained that they would fix it the same day they received it and have it sent back out to me that day as well so that I would have it back within three days of leaving me.  

When I received my pram back on the third day I was really surprised to see that not only had they fitted a new brake mechanism, but they had also replaced my two back wheels as they were looking worn, oiled the front ones wheels and given it a service! They even provided a full report detailing this.  They have done an amazing job and throughly checked my pram inside and out.

I am amazed at how much Silver Cross have put themselves out to make sure my trusty Pioneer is in tip top condition and running smoothly.  I feel like they have gone above and beyond and exceeded all of my expectations and I am so glad I decided on this pram.  

This sort of customer service makes me want to stick with Silver Cross when it comes to getting a stroller, why stray to a different brand when you are super happy with your existing one?

V x

Saying goodbye to Teddy

This weekend was awful.  Unfortunately our amazing Super Teds powers ran out and we sadly had to say goodbye.

Teddy has been such a big part of our lives for the last five years, he has been through a lot with us and was without a doubt a huge part of our family.  He was absolute pain in the arse at times but we loved him to bits and feel so lucky to have had him for the time we did.

We feel absolutely heartbroken that he's gone, it just doesn't feel real.  We keep expecting him to come bounding down the stairs meowing.  Our house feels empty without him, its really shocked us just how much of a big part he played in our lives and how strange it feels without the little fluff ball around.

Our fluffy beast wasn't just a cat, he was a little buddy as well, he could always tell when you was upset and would come and snuggle up to you and purr that little bit louder, just to let you know he was there.  He was a little protector and always looked after his brother and was so loving, when I was pregnant he would always come and wrap himself around my bump and sleep right next to it at night time.

Sadly on Sunday morning he was poorly and not acting himself, we decided to take him to the emergency Vet.  The Vet told us it didn't look good and wanted to give him an x-ray, he sent us home and said he would call with news.  30 Mins later we took the dreaded phonemail, we was told a huge tumour had been picked up on the x-ray and we could either choose to have him put to sleep or operate.  We obviously chose to operate as we wanted to save him.  During the operation the Vet called us again and said the tumour was so severe that he probably wouldn't pull through and recover, and that it wouldn't be fair to let him go on.  We had to make the decision to have him put to sleep.  We went back to the Vets so we could be with him in his final moments, it was the least we could do, give him a few last strokes and say goodbye.  It is without a doubt one of the hardest things we have ever had to do.

He hadn't shown any signs what so ever of being poorly, we had no idea how severe things were.  We took him into the Vets thinking he had a stomach bug and then came out with an empty cat carrier.  I think we are still in shock as it happened so quickly.  Id like to think he didn't show how much pain he was in because he was so content.

We have another cat, Baxter, he is Teddys brother, we got them both together as kittens at 8 weeks old.  He is lost without him, he keeps circling the house sniffing things and trying to pick up Teddys scent, the two of them have never been apart, I feel heartbroken for Baxter.

I know a lot of people are probably reading this and thinking I am overreacting and that it was just a cat but to us he was family and we miss him already.  He was as much of a baby to us as our son.  We loved him.  Thanks for being awesome!

Sleep tight Ted x